A Letter To My Mom

I’m holding my son as I put him to sleep and tears are slowly falling. I want to freeze time. I want to have this moment forever. I want to hold him for as long as possible and never let go. And I start to think of you. Have you ever felt like this with the three of us? Do you still have those moments where you just want to freeze time so you can soak up these small and wonderful moments just for a bit longer? As I’m thinking about that I’m thinking of how much I love my baby boy. I’m realizing how much he means to me. And also how cute he is snuggling me in his sleep. I put him in his crib and it hits me. I cry harder. I get it. I understand the love you have for me and my siblings. The impossible, never-ending, indescribable, mother’s love. I finally get it now.

I realize all the sacrifices you’ve made both major and minor. All the times you wished to have a moment to yourself or to sleep just a few minutes longer and were denied. All the times that we irritated, frustrated and upset you. All those moments when you stayed up with us, worrying about us, and praying for us. All those times when we hurt you intentionally or not. All the times we made you think, “what were you thinking?”. And with all those crazy moments, you still never gave up on us, always hugged us, answered our calls, told us you loved us, offered to snuggle next to you even when we’re grown…just loved us unconditionally.

I understand the depth and breadth and true meaning behind all the times you said, “I love you” to all of us. I thought my love for you was as big as it gets but I was wrong. Knowing what I know now, loving my son the way I love him, I love you so much more for just being that loving mom that you have been to me and still are. And as I listen to my sweet precious baby boy snoring in his room, I hope I have many more “freeze time” moments and I hope he will love me at least half as much as I love you.

I love you so much,
Your Baby Girl

The Ten Pound Countdown – What the *bleep* Happened?

Having a baby sure changes you. It changes what you do and how you look at things. It brings out the best and worse of you on a daily basis. Not an easy job to have. There’s a lot of work involved and that’s just for the baby. What about mommy? What kind of work does mommy do for herself?

Well this mommy’s first task was to make sure she lost the baby weight. Well, the majority of it. And this mommy did great! At least until she got close to the finish line. She stumbled, she fell, she rolled back down the hill. What happened? She was so close!

Well, many things happened. She let lack of sleep and stress get the better of her. She used it as an excuse to eat what was quick and easy instead of healthy. Cheeseburgers. She knew she shouldn’t have ate them but they were there and she was hungry. And that was another mistake. She let herself get hungry. Hunger, stress, lack of sleep – all contributing factors to weight gain.

So how bad was this setback? She was five pounds away from her goal and she gained it instead of losing it! Ten pounds. It doesn’t seem much but when you’re trying to lose it, it seems like a lot! Much props to those men and women that lose so much more weight than that!

So here’s what this mommy is going to do. She can’t do much with the lack of sleep, because of external factors, but she can do other things. She can watch what she eats. She’s not going to starve herself or deny herself anything. That is the quickest way to gorging on unhealthy fatty foods! Moderation is the name of the game. Exercising is also something that she needs to do more often. Now, with the stress, she’ll do her best to manage that. But with a baby the gets into everything – he’s a walking curiosity that broke that, ate this and dear God what are you doing?!, and is teething – he screams all the time and nothing, not even food, makes him happy! And the baby loves his food!

Starting this week this mommy will try to summarize what she did and ate in order to keep track of her journey to win this final ten pounds race. Wish her luck!

Thinking of the End – Fear and Self Defeating Thoughts

It’s 5  o’clock in the morning and I’ve been up since 3. Feeling tired and alone with my thoughts makes me contemplate some dark things. Will I ever amount to anything? Will I accomplish anything in this life? What happens  when we die?

 

Its the unknown that gets me. It’s the unknown that strikes the fear in me. The thought that if I die I won’t know what will happen with me, that I don’t really know if there is an afterlife, how it will feel and if I would have done anything in my lifetime.

 

I so need sleep.

Vows

On Thursday, November 29, 2012, I got married to a wonderful guy. We did not have a traditional wedding or ceremony. We chose to elope instead. We had our parents sign as witnesses on our marriage license  after we were pronounced as husband and wife by the Justice of the Peace. It was how we wanted it at that moment. No frills, no big to-do, just us, our parents and our love. We told no one else that we were getting married – which is the purpose of eloping – but told them after the fact. We were greeted with a lot of happiness and congratulations except for a few people. People I had hoped would be the most supportive and happiest. They’re angry. I can’t understand why either. Even after telling them that we’re going to have a formal celebration next year they’re still upset.

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