On Thursday, November 29, 2012, I got married to a wonderful guy. We did not have a traditional wedding or ceremony. We chose to elope instead. We had our parents sign as witnesses on our marriage license after we were pronounced as husband and wife by the Justice of the Peace. It was how we wanted it at that moment. No frills, no big to-do, just us, our parents and our love. We told no one else that we were getting married – which is the purpose of eloping – but told them after the fact. We were greeted with a lot of happiness and congratulations except for a few people. People I had hoped would be the most supportive and happiest. They’re angry. I can’t understand why either. Even after telling them that we’re going to have a formal celebration next year they’re still upset.
But it got me to thinking about a lot of things. More importantly about relationships and friendships and my role in them. Am I that wrong and bad of a friend? Do I deserve to be the bad guy every time I may have made a mistake? Do I really deserve hostility and to not be forgiven? I’ve been cursed, insulted, ignored, neglected, felt stomped on, used, pushed away, felt like I’ve been treated like an idiot, felt like an idiot, like I amount to nothing, like I can’t show the bad with the good, and a whole list of other things. But at the end of the day I forgive because I know they’re human and they make mistakes. So what role am I playing here? What role have I been shoved into?
I’ve been told that I need to share more, open up and vent about the things that bother me. It’s something I’ve never been comfortable with. They never knew and still don’t know how much crap I endured in my previous relationship. I couldn’t tell them, I couldn’t open up because I never felt like I could. I never felt like I could go to them for that shoulder to cry on, to have that ear to vent to, to have that “it’s ok” hug or speech. It’s not like they’re bad people. They’re fabulous actually. I just never felt like I could just let it all go. I’ve always felt it was my job to be open for them. Never the other way around. Maybe it’s my fault I feel that way. Maybe I just never really thought they cared that much to want to know. Perhaps it’s the fact that being that person available to vent to has made me feel like a burden when I do it to them. Who knows. But after finding out some things that happened to me in my past relationship and in other areas in my life, they made me vow to come to them about anything and everything. So I did.
I regret it. I like the way it was before. It seemed to have less drama and anxiety. No one needed to know about all the little (and big) dramas and issues I was having. No one needed to worry or question anything. No one needed to be concerned about anything. I’m good at faking like nothing is wrong. I’m a pro at it.
So why am I mentioning all this? Because it seems to me that my venting about some annoyances a few months ago (I am also unexpectedly pregnant and was dealing with that fact so I was a bit emotional) has some part in this angry riff right now. Back in June or July, family kept bringing up marriage since I was pregnant. And no matter how many times we (my new husband and I) told them no, we weren’t going to marry for the sake of the baby and that we will marry on our own terms, they still kept talking about it. Frustrated, I vented and let it all out. Told everyone that I’m not going to get pressured into marriage if I’m not ready. I realize now I shouldn’t have but I was pregnant (unexpectedly so) and emotional. And once I say no, I mean no. So it was annoying that family kept trying. They even used the guilt trip of all guilt trips – religion – which really pissed me off. Eventually family gave up and stopped talking and left us alone. And a few months later, after having time to think, grow, and figuring out what we wanted, we decided to get married. And here we are.
Now the ones I thought would be supportive are (and was) upset with me. There were the concerns that I’m doing it for the wrong reasons or that I was forced. Of course there’s also the fact that they expected me to tell them I was eloping before I eloped, which wasn’t the way we wanted to do things.But it makes me wonder if I hadn’t shared those annoyances, would they think that? If I hadn’t shared anything from my past relationship would they be this emotional and concerned? If I hadn’t opened up at all would I have been met with the happiness I expected instead of anger and worry? Maybe, maybe not. But maybe one of the key people I need most right now wouldn’t be angry and not speaking to me if I hadn’t. I’m still pregnant. It’s my first child and I’m terrified of going into labor and the baby will be coming at any moment now. It may be the hormones talking, but I really need the love and support that I don’t feel like I’m getting right now. This may be my only child.
So now I vow, here and now, that things will go back to the way they were. I’ll no longer confide, open up, or talk about any problems, fears or issues I may have or have had in the past. I will never again allow myself to be set up for unneeded hostility, highly emotional concerns and anger, from those that supposedly love me. Because I realize now that it hurts me more than helps me. I vow to put back on the mask when needed, hide everything underneath and only reveal the naked truth to my mom, my husband and to my blog. This I vow, here and now.
I vow to also be happy and share those happy times on occasion. I vow to enjoy my life, my marriage and my soon to be son. I vow to never let anyone else bring another happy moment down to levels of petty drama and negativity. I vow to continue to be faithful to myself and to my own needs. I vow to always remember to continue to treat others how I want to be treated, even when they don’t return in kind. I vow to always love and appreciate my husband and my expanding family even through the tough and annoying times. I vow to always remember that I’m blessed, even when things do not turn out how I hope. This I vow, here and now.
I vow to remember that my journal, my blog(s), my poetry will always be there when I need to vent, as always. And I will remember that I can always meditate and pray on the everything, no matter how big or small they are. And I vow to always do my best to trust and listen to my intuition because that is where the divine speaks to me and guides me. This I vow, here and now.
This I vow, here and now.